Method To The Madness (Long Read)

What's wrong with him? He's just trippin. Why does he act that way? Idk I think he's crazy. Why does he never talk? He's just anti social. These happen to be the types of questions I'm all too familiar with. However those answers aren't in fact true. Now typically I don't like to write about myself in a personal way, because I would hate for someone to think they know me through a collection of words. But in this case I'm willing to make an exception so that you can get a clearer understanding. For approximately the 1st 19 years of my life I felt inferior to the rest of society and everyone that surrounded me. I'm talking inadequate, in a sense that made me very enraged. Enraged to the point where I developed a murderous mind frame at a very young age. It's quite possible I was born that way, without the ability to feel empathy when indeed I should...but follow me. I can vividly remember when I 1st felt this rage and saw RED for the 1st time. I think I was around 9 years old at the time. My dad decided to take me along with him and his 2nd family (his new wife, step son and step daughter) to Wildwood New Jersey to have some fun at the theme park. Everything was cool, riding rides, running around, playing games and everything, you know, just being a kid. So I remember him (my father) playing one of the games they had there and he actually won. Meanwhile I'm excited because one of the prizes you can choose from was a Chucky doll (you know, from the movie)..At the time I was OBSESSED with Chucky, the movies, the dolls character and everything. (This is why I said I was probably born this way, instead of a little kid being scared of Chucky, I got sheer enjoyment out of watching this character do bad things, but that's another story in itself)...So anyway, he chooses the Chucky doll and he gives it to me, and as a child I'm excited as hell...Fast forward to about 3 days later after we get back to Connecticut and I'm back at home with my mom. I get a phone call and on the other end it's my father saying "Justin I'm coming to get that Chucky from you ..... wants it, you're older you'll be alright" (referring to his step son who was i think 7 at the time, not sure but it doesn't matter)...I remember hanging up the phone, going to my room and sitting in silence staring at the wall for an hour or 2...Maybe then the seed was planted...You wouldn't believe the things that went through my mind, it wasn't sadness, it was an anger I can't even begin to put in words. I saw blood, I saw death and I had my 1st thoughts of doing serious physical harm to someone. Thoughts that no kid, nor anyone should have for that matter..So as he said he would, he came & picked it up, left and  returned it to his step son...There have been MANY fucked up situations since then that have shaped the person I am today (I'd be writing all night) but I point that one out because it's the 1st instance I can remember that has me feeling the way I do, even today....You never know the kinds of things that can stick with you through your entire life...Just to touch back on that situation, I hold no ill feelings towards my father, and even though we  don't have much of a relationship even to this day, I still love him, as he is 50% of the reason I'm here today....Moving on......Not anti social, you just don't want to hear what I have to say, you wouldn't know how to respond if I talked more, because my mind works quite differently from the average person..I'll offend you and won't care..I'm not crazy, I just happen to not be PC (politically correct) like the majority of society. I won't conform to what you'd like me to be...I've been in a lifelong fight, I have the battle scars for proof...The feeling of insignificance followed me my 1st 19 or 20 years of my life, I was never the most popular, never the one with 1000 friends, never the one to have much confidence...However I had 2 things in my favor, I was extremely smart and an undying will....At the age of 20 I was about 2 1/2 years into writing music when I created a lifestyle/monicker for myself, which came to be known as "Fly Free"...It was almost like a light switch, and once it was flicked I saw the world in a way that freed me from obscurity. I could do no wrong, there were no rules, I can't be stopped (even in death) and most importantly I went from having little to no confidence, to being the epitome of what confidence is...Don't care what anybody thinks...Won't back down from anyone or any situation...Music is my outlet, I don't have to speak to you...Fly Free is my lifestyle, I can do what I wanna do...Whether you love me or hate me it doesn't matter to me anymore, take a number and slide to the back of the fuckin line...I can count on one hand the people that actually know me and know exactly what I'm about...Let me give you a hint, if I don't speak while around you and you know me as "the quiet guy" then you're NOT one of those 5 people...They'll give you another story, I can guarantee it...At the core I'm still the same person I've always been since I was a kid, that anger has stuck with me and will never die, but I'm more self assured and that goes a long way...Always been a joker/shit talker, it's just in me.....So how does one go from feeling trapped, inadequate, and minuscule??? To being extremely self confident, brash and most importantly "without limits"??? The answer is simple......You Fly Free......................